Interests:I love music. Good lyrics penetrate my soul. Plastic/Costume JewelryWriting, Reading, Singing, PhotographyText messages, Ophelia, snuggling under warm blankets when the weather is cold.Taking naps.Creating things. (sewing, painting, cooking)
So, I made a deposit on an apartment in a town two hours away, and have NO IDEA how I'm going to pull off the move, and first month's rent. I only have until July first! hah. Everyone thinks I'm nuts, but I've GOT to get out of here. I need to get away. I will be sad to take the baby away, since she's really getting to the age where she interacts more with people. She just got to the point where she really likes going to my mom. She'll be one year old in 16 days! I can't believe it. Anyway, I applied for state assistance, to receive it my requirements are to complete 20 hours a week of job searching. In a small town surrounded by small towns, it's not exactly going to be easy. I managed to pull off four hours and thirty two minutes today, partially because the hour and a half orientation I went to this morning counted towards it. I don't even know if I'm going to qualify for the assistance. My caseworker told me that since any employment I may find will be temporary, his supervisor may not approve it. I'm trying to find any way I can to find the money to go. I've got things I can do for employment once I make it up there, so I'm not worried about that. I don't know. I just feel so stuck right now.
My sister and her family are visiting from Utah. They are a family of seven and adding the five people that live in this household, and My sister Kate and her five kids who are over today, things have been crazy! fun though. All the above mentioned plus my brother Nick and his three kids planned to go to the zoo yesterday, well when we finally made it there was only an hour and a half until it closed. Most everyone bailed on the zoo idea except for Nick and his kids and Ophelia and I and my dad. It was a good time. Ophelia loves the animals. I was trying to point out the zebra to her, and there were ducks swimming down the stream next to it and she said, "duck!" she loves them. We made it through the whole thing in just enough time. Well, all except for the prairie section, but come on. We live in the prairie. Hah. I had mentioned to Matt that Ophelia and I were going to the zoo last time he was down seeing her, and he wanted to go. I told him it was just a family thing and he got angry. Does he expect to be included in everything forever? Of course he does. How else is he going to try to control things? I wonder how court is going to be. He says he's moving to Colorado. I hope he does.
I think about dying. About ending it myself. It's sad that just the thought of functioning everyday makes me feel like this. I'm lonely. It's my fault. Feeling like I want to die, makes me want to die. hah. Most days, things are ok, but I do have these moments. I need to fix myself. Reroute my thought processes. My brain. Like rewiring an old house, I need to rip out all the old wires and fixtures and put new ones in. I just can't believe I feel so incredibly hopeless. My therapist seems to think I'm doing ok. Granted, I haven't told her I think about dying. I did tell her I've been very down lately. She suggested I try to get a job. I need to get a job. I don't want to get a job. Not to mention the baby can't go without me right now. Right now in life everything seems so complicated. So messy. Suffocating.
